The Dalai Lama is a fraud and I've got the Noble Eightfold Path to prove it, by hujintao

Photo by dreamsjung via flickr

So I hear the Dalai Lama has been traipsing about in America, collecting awards and accolades along the way. Well, to the millions of followers perpetually kissing his feet, let me be the first to tell you it is all for naught. I came across some Buddhist documents that had yet to go under the black censor marker, that mentioned a little thing called the Noble Eightfold Path. Apparently, it’s the centerpiece of this whole crackpot religion he is peddling to the naive. Let me tell you, I was not at all surprised to find out the Dalai Lama routinely breaks each and every one of the eight noble folds on the path. Allow me to show you how you’ve all had the Lama’s wool pulled over your eyes:

The Noble Eightfold Path

1. Right View - Come on, the man wears a bathrobe out in public. You ride around in pimped out limos, I know you can afford a suit. For casual occasions, L.L. Bean makes some very breathable chinos. What you’re wearing now? Save that for tooth brushing time.

2. Right Intention - Are you serious? He wants to break up my beautiful country. Free Tibet is nothing but a terrorist organization. Yeah, I went to the Free Tibet concert, but come on, Smashing Pumpkins, Rage Against the Machine, Radiohead, AND De La Soul? Who could resist that all-star lineup?

3. Right Speech - Have you heard him talk? One time the Dalai Lama called me up and I thought I was talking to Marvin the Martian and Yoda’s secret love child. Oh, and then there’s the little matter of his pottymouth:

4. Right Action - Check this out. He walks away from Bobby Brown just because he doesn’t have a pen! Bobby freakin’ Brown! In China, we give him the respect he is due. “My Prerogative” is in my top 10 songs played list and “Every Little Step I Take” is number 12, I think.

5. Right Livelihood - A Buddhist monk? Tonight I gobbled up an entire roast pig, and enjoyed the sensual pleasures of my beautiful concubines. If the Dalai Lama really wanted to pick the right livelihood, he would have become the President of China. …or an ice cream truck driver. Mmmm, free cookie sandwiches whenever you want.

I could continue on with a never-ending barrage of His Hypocriteness’ transgressions, but you get the idea. I’m sure you all must feel dirty from supporting this terrorist who preaches separatism and hatred of a unified China. So go, take a nice long shower and wash his filthy mantras off your body. Don’t forget to get inside the belly button!